In a casual chat with a work colleague she shared that she and her husband did their first cycling race. They rode a tandem and came in first in their age group and fifth overall in a 30 mile event! While I was searching for an appropriate celebratory gif, she said “it’s not like anything you’re doing but I’m excited I can do it.”
That really deflated my balloon. What on earth do I have to do with her well-earned achievement? Conversely, should I feel bad that I’ve never ridden 30 miles on a tandem with a husband? That’s ridiculous, right? As Theodore Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” In this case, it prevented us both from fully celebrating her success.
Compare and Compete
It’s a natural impulse to compare ourselves to others. We’re trained to do it.
- As children, we’re compared to established benchmarks to make sure we’re healthy.
- In school, we’re tested and graded and ranked in comparison to other students.
- Professionally, we compete for jobs, promotions, raises, and a bigger market share.
- Socially, we compete for mates, friends, status, you name it.
It’s so commonplace for us to compete in our culture, we find ways to impose it on traditionally noncompetitive activities. Competitive yoga. Competitive meditation. Competitive bumper stickers bragging about our kids. (My child is an honor roll student. My child can beat up your honor roll student.) We’re so far down the rabbit hole, we don’t even realize we’re ranking and rating and judging everything.
Compare and Emulate
Just because we’re trained to compare ourselves to others, that doesn’t mean we have to pit ourselves against each other. Let’s face it. It’s ingrained and we’re really good at it. No, we’re the best at comparing! (See what I did there?) So we might as well use this skill for good.
To use comparison as a tool for positive change, start by paying attention when that feeling of envy crops up. This reaction is showing you who you wish you were. From there you can decide how to use that information. Let’s compare these two scenarios, since we’re so good at comparing:
The Competition: Your friend ran a marathon and you feel envy. You want what she has. You want to be better. You’re not even close to doing that, so you’re not good enough. You’re less than. You’ve been wasting your life. It’s not fair. Everything comes easy to her. When you see her as your competition, your thoughts are antagonistic and self-deprecating.
The Role Model: Your friend ran a marathon and you feel envy. You notice your reaction and get curious about it. Do you want to run a marathon? Are you physically and practically able to train for one? What value do you have that underlies this desire? If marathon training isn’t possible, is there something else you can do to express what you value? With your friend as a role model, you have a template and a resource to forge your own path.
Clarity and Coaching
Everything we do is the end result of circumstances, preparation, and luck, as well as conscious and unconscious decisions. Ideally, we wouldn’t compare ourselves to anyone ever. But that’s as realistic as trying to shut off our feelings. So we’re left with using comparison to give clarity to our own choices. And as we live more fully in our purpose, true to our values, clear in our decisions, the impulse to compare will fade.
The point of my life coaching program is to:
- Add clarity and structure to how you make decisions big and small.
- Get very clear on what you value, what you want, and why you want it.
- Help you develop a realistic roadmap to your goals and stay on track.
Whether you want to get a new job, run a marathon, learn to knit, or make the perfect kimchi, with coaching you’ll check your side view less often as you spend more time mapping your individual path, checking in with yourself, and measuring success by your own personal yardstick. When you do this, your achievements will become part of a fulfilling life where every choice you make is about you, your values, and your joyful path. Plus, I’ll be here cheering you on, ready with a celebratory gif!
