“Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” -Esther Perel
A big part of the life coaching process is about identifying your values, defining your goals in the main areas of your life, and taking actions that are aligned with your values. This is what I help my clients do all the time. It sounds easy, right?
However, I’ve talked to countless people who are clear on their values and goals but are still stuck. This is because we’re great at putting obstacles in our own way. One major way we sabotage ourselves is by exploiting a weakness in our self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-trust. We can fix this.
Limiting Beliefs, Not Truths
If you’re stuck, you might suspect that you have some limiting beliefs. The good news is that limiting beliefs are not facts. They’re opinions, and we can change our opinions. To do this, let’s look at the top three tools we use to limit ourselves or boldly move forward:
- Self-confidence is a belief in your abilities
- Self-esteem is how you appreciate and value yourself
- Self-trust is your ability to be reliable to yourself
These three qualities need each other. They work in harmony. If there’s an imbalance, none of them can work at full strength.
I’ve personally overcome an imbalance. Deep inside I knew I could do anything I put my mind to but was embarrassed about flaws and didn’t really think I had much value. In other words, I knew I could do XYZ, but it was super easy to find 1,000 other people who could do the same thing even better so I didn’t deserve to feel good about myself for being able to do it. I had self-confidence and self-trust, but I didn’t value my efforts or successes. My self-esteem needed help.
The Dance of Imbalance
You can probably imagine the kind of negative loops a lack in one area causes on the others areas, but let’s play it out:
Lack of Self-Esteem erodes Self-Trust: When I don’t value my efforts, I talk myself out of trying, let myself down, and make it easier to give up on myself.
Lack of Self-Esteem overpowers Self-Confidence: When I don’t value myself, I let my inner critic take the lead, focusing on past failures and undermining my confidence.
Lack of Self-Confidence negates Self-Esteem: When I don’t believe I can do anything well, there’s very little to esteem.
Lack of Self-Confidence nullifies Self-Trust: When I don’t believe I can succeed, what’s the point of keeping promises to myself if I’m just going to fail?
Lack of Self-Trust undermines Self-Confidence: If I can’t trust myself to follow through and be kind to myself, I can’t have confidence that I can accomplish anything.
Lack of Self-Trust sabotages Self-Esteem: If I am always bailing on myself, my actions are telling me that I have very little esteem for myself.
Which Lack Speaks To You?
To find the weak spot your inner critic exploits, start by thinking of something important you want to accomplish. Let’s say you want to find a new job but have been dragging your feet. What’s the hold up? What are you saying to yourself?
Lack of self-confidence says: “I can’t do something new. I’m unqualified. I’ll never get hired to do what I want.”
Lack of self-trust says: “It takes so much work to find a new job. I’ll never be able to make a job search schedule and stick to it.”
Lack of self-esteem says: “There are a million people who want my dream job and they’re all better than I am. I can’t face all of the inevitable rejection.”
If one of these excuses sounds familiar, congratulations, you’ve identified the source of your imbalance. Now you can confront it, oppose it, watch out for it, and manage it when it crops up again. What you absolutely don’t have to do anymore is believe it. You get to write a new script and think reinforcing thoughts about your value, your abilities, and your potential.
Change is hard even without our insecurities getting in the way. But once you’re not sabotaging yourself, your self-confidence, self-trust, and self-esteem will be powerful allies and invaluable tools available to support you in reaching your goals.
